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sometimes, I forget.

I forget how sick I felt walking away from my family, and how I cried the whole plane ride to Georgia.

i forget that first night in Nicaragua, hanging out of the back of a military bus with Kory, breathing in the air of a foreign country for the first time.

i forget how Leigha and i would kill scorpions and mice with toilet plungers, and how her, Nick and i would drink black coffee and sit in the same hammock in the guard tower at 3 in the morning.

i forget how hot church in Bethel was, and how the woman in the corner of the village sold chocolate bananas, and how we were all obsessed with mango bon bons.

i forget how the buses smelled like men's cologne and burning trash, and how the street food was the best, and how our cooks were the sweetest, most humble women in the entire world, and how Beks singing used to drive me crazy, and how Nayns and i would stay up late making embarassing Taylor Swift music videos, and how i tripped while i was running and bled everywhere and Yaya couldnt stop laughing at me.

i forget how sick i was on the plane rides to the Phillipines, and how i had an amoeba that made me feel like i was going to die for a month and a half, and how a crocodile lived on our porch.

i forget about how we used to terrorize the neighbors dog, Hunter, AKA Beagie Smalls, and how disgusting our tiny little bathroom was.

i forget how we used to go to the old jaz home before we lived in the new one, and i forget how scary the new jaz home was before it was filled with color, noise and 32 smiling girls.

i forget how it was mango season when we were there, and how the woman at Angel's Hamburgers knew who we were and would give us free food.

i forget how we had devotions with those same beautiful girls every night, and how angelic their voices sounded when they sang worship songs.

i forget how isREAL fell apart before the Lord brought us back together again.

i forget how unreal it seemed when we landed in Kenya that i was actually in Africa, my life's biggest dream.

i forget we used to carry our own water, for so far, across burning sand, in long skirts so many times a day, and how the sun looked when it rose over the lake at 4 am.

i forget how hot it got inside my tent by 7 am, and how terrifying it was when it rained.

i forget that, on a clear day, you could see Mozambique.

i forget that we never walked anywhere without herds of children following us and holding our hands and yelling AZUNGU AZUNGU, and what its like to walk down the street and say hello and talk to everyone, whether you know them or not.

i forget how the stars look, the millions and millions of them, on a clear windy night.

i forget what it was like to truly be hot, sweaty, and dirty, and to eat food i didn't like.

i forget mama Ezna down on the way to the well, and how much she loved all of us, and how Agogo meant the world to me.

i forget how much i love my team, and how much i love my squad, and how our last night in malawi, Nick, Nash, Rilez, Caro and i wrote a message in a bottle and threw it into the lake. life is beautiful.

i forget how much it ripped my heart to shreds to leave them, and how i wept the entire way home.

i forget that moment of inexpressible joy at seeing my family for the first time in so long, and how i couldn't breathe or talk because i was crying so hard.

i forget how many freaking amazing people i met, Passporters, World Racers, friends from the places we lived.

i forget, sometimes, how my feet used to be so callused, and how i walked around the world with no shoes on.

i forget that i encompassed the globe with no shoes on.

 

its almost like it hurts to much to think about any of those things, so i just dont. i don't have the courage to accept the fact that, a year ago i went to training camp, and almost a year ago i left on an incredible journey that wrecked everything i thought i knew. i tell stories without thinking about them, without feeling, without remembering the context. im so different, and i can see it especially in comparing this summer to my other summers at camp, and the Lord has given me so much to say, but i dont think about why it is i believe or act in that manner, because its a knife into my heart everytime. and when i think about it, i want to break down and cry. i dont have the courage to have faith in the testimony that the Lord's entrusted me with, a beautiful story no one else could bear.

at campfire the other night, i was reminded, reminded of so much i kept forcing myself to not think about. and i broke down and wept, for so long, suffocated by 84 campers i loved, and a staff that means the world to me, flooded with so many memories that aren't really stories and you can't explain to someone. looking down at my palms raised upwards to the Lord, begging Him to heal my heart, i realized…. i was wearing the same clothes that had traveled the world with me from start to finish. and i cried all the harder, because i felt so alone, in a crowded space, so alone, and while my heart was crumbling all over the dirty ground, i was so alone, and no one understood how tragically beautiful that moment was. to be so broken and empty handed i needed the Lord to physically come down and wipe my tears away or i wouldn't be able to draw one more breath, to miss something and a time so much that sadness burned through my veins with more passion than my blood. i wanted to throw up, hating who i was in that moment, supposed to be strong and put together to feed the Lord's life into my girls, to be an example, a leader in worship, and here i stood, falling apart, completely, the 2nd great flood coursing down my horribly sweaty cheeks.

 

and then, in the midst of this, the Lord said to me words i've heard a thousand times this summer, 'my grace is sufficient for You. my power is made perfect in weakness. so boast all the more gladly about your weaknesses,  and delight in them. for when you are weak, you are strong."

ill be the first to admit, I'm so weak, I'm so imperfect, I'm so terribly dirty and epically flawed. there is nothing good within me, and i dont deserve any of the blessings that have been poured out on my life. i dont deserve the redemption that ive been bathed in and the destiny i've been appointed with. its embarrassing how pathetic and filthy i am.

but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

and i've been entrusted with the testimony ive been given, and the Lord specifically chose me to be the one to bear it. the Lord specifically told me to go, and return, and no one else could walk in the footsteps that i did, and no one else was born for the same 'time as this' as i was. the Lord specifically chose me to be one of His mouthpieces, one of His encouragers, one of His speakers of life. and i don't deserve that, not one singular bit.

and ive been placed where i am for a specific, unique reason as well.

and im supposed to go to Messiah in the fall for a specific, unique reason, despite my absolute terror.

and the thing the Lord is teaching me this time is short, sweet, and simple.

BE CONTENT WITH WHERE YOU ARE WITHOUT FORGETTING WHO YOU ARE.

 

I am Caitlinn Renee Curry. I'm almost 20 years old, from Harleysville, Pennsylvania, and i grew up at Indian Valley Mennonite Church, going to Camp Men-o-lan, where i was saved, baptized, and now work. i am a world traveler, from Generation 1 Immersion 2; i lived in Nicaragua, the Philippines and Malawi, and the Lord lives in me, henceforth: home is wherever i find myself. i walk with Him and talk with Him and hear His voice. i have been chosen by Him, and i am PRICELESS, not WORTHLESS, and there is to be no confusion between those terms that equally have no definite value. i am weak, and i am but dust, ashes, and dry bones, but i have been redeemed by an irreversible payment of blood through sacrifice of perfection. i dont know why He told me to write this blog, and i dont know what it is He's trying to say through me, but i do know this: i'll open my mouth when He leads, because i dont want to say a word unless it points the world back to Him, and i do know this: that He's wrecked me in every sense of the word, and i will never be the same.

i am royalty, i have destiny, i have been set free and im going to change the world. this is my anthem. it's my time to shine. i was born for such a time as this.