more and more lately, everything seems to be becoming real. my future is slowly but surely approaching, and i cant escape it, no matter how unprepared i am.
ive never been a homebody. ive always been independent. im never at home.
but as everything seems to be coming to a close, its hitting me.
im not as grown up as i thought i was.
i just finished my last high school musical.
i went on my last choir trip on sunday.
my last piano lessons are tomorrow night, and my last recital is on sunday.
ill never have to take AP tests again after may.
ill never have another choir show with Washam, with advanced choir, concert choir, a capella again after this one.
im graduating June 7, and i realized…. all i know is high school. im just a little guy. ive never seen what this world is really like, as much as i have an idea of what it is in my head. im not ready to leave my friends. im not ready to leave my family. i dont want my core group to split; i cant comprehend the idea that they might go off to college, and make better friends-find a new group of 6 people that spend every waking second together. to find new friends to take care of them. that ill miss out on their lives, because ill be in places where internet isnt a part of daily life. my heart breaks when i think about it.
and, of course, God has been steadily pointing out this tragic flaw of mine. that tragic flaw where im NOT trusting Him fully. where i think im more capable of taking care of them than He is. where im being selfish and inconsiderate. where im taking the wonderful people and opportunities in my life for granted – instead of taking advantage of every moment im given, i sit and worry about things out of my control.
id been catching hints of God point this out to me a lot over the past few weeks, but it really didnt hit home til recently. it started off with my best friend getting in a car accident. it couldve been worse, much, much, much, worse. much worse. but thankfully, it wasnt. when i heard, i sat there and cried, because i was so scared. the idea of losing your best friend? thats scary. MIND blowingly scary… but you know what? i didnt lose him. i saw him a few hours later. and it hit me. i have no control over anything. its selfish of me to not want us all to split our seperate ways. God will take so much better care of him than i could EVER possibly.
in new york yesterday, i was smacked in the face with a song.
wicked. yall should see it.
one of the songs in the show is called 'for good' and its the song the choir sings at graduation.
i struggled to sit there and listen to it…. lets be honest, i bawled my eyes out. the line that really gets to me goes like this : "it well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part-so much of me is made from what i learned from you – youll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, i know you have rewritten mine by being my friend"
it scares me to DEATH that it well may be i may never meet these kids again in my lifetime… but if i dont, thats ok. i know ill see them again in Heaven someday. everything in life is going to go according to God's plan, and theres nothing that i can do to change that. theres nothing else i WANT more than Gods will. they've each left a handprint on my heart, and God knew they would. He put them in my life for a reason, and im so grateful and undeserving. so why am i so scared, i keep asking myself. if i stayed here, and clung to the kids im so scared to leave…. wed never get to go on the amazing adventures God is going to take us on. He has such incredible plans for each of our lives…. im so excited for the places He's going to take us, and the things He's going to show us, and the opportunities and struggles Hes going to put in our way. id be CRAZY if i didnt want that for each of us. (well…. bad crazy 😉 ) i just need to take advantage of every moment i have left here, and have no regrets, and spend no time dwelling on the unlimited things that could happen in the future. Gods going to use me, and everyone else to DEFY GRAVITY and do UNDREAMABLE THINGS for Him and His Kingdom. and what more could anyone want in life?!
exodus 33:14 says "The LORD replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
thanks God 🙂 i dont deserve that, at all.
im blessed. so blessed. and it baffles me.
I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
im flying high
Defying gravity <3
