Abandonment.

i question if we all really know what that means. do we REALLY know what the word "abandonment" means?

i mean, we have the perfect example laid word for word in a book we fail to treat as the daily bread that it is. Christ Jesus, stepping down from Heaven, abandoning the comfort of God, a seat at His right hand, His rights as the Son of God, to live amongst a filthy, sinful people who didnt give ONE CRAP who He was. THAT is abandonment.

Yesterday, i took a step closer to understanding that. Yesterday, i left behind the comforts of a 1st world country, my 'rights' to communication with my friends and family, my freedom of speech, my freedom to walk around by myself, my rights of wearing and eating whatever i want, my rights to drinkable running water, to a hot shower, make up, hugging my family, driving my car, even sitting in a car (3 hour car ride standing up in the back of a crammed military truck anyone?)  adventuring with my friends, texting the boy i like - i abandoned all of this to immerse myself in a lifestyle of one of the poorest countries in the world, to love on a people whos culture and language i dont know or understand.

This would scare most people. Not me. My heart was created to be reckless, to be compassionate, to walk a path that hasnt been established. My heart was created full of zeal, passion, love and an intense wanderlust. I have no fear. no nervousness. no regrets. Im ready to be broken, by the things i see, the people i meet, and by the harsh realities of al ive abandoned and left behind.

I wasnt joking or half meaning it when i said "God, here i am. send me" and He's required me to abandon a lot of things in heeding that call.

But the riches ill gain in the stead of what ive sacrificed will be mindblowingly beautiful. itll suck, but itll be beautiful.  the million tears ive shed over goodbyes, finances, questioning God, a ridiculously small packing list, the heartbreak ive felt over the past weeks; all these things sucked hardcore. Abandoning my expectations. Abandonment has been painful, heartbreaking, a shameful expression of how weak i truly am, how courageous and strong im truly not, how insignificant i am, how unworthy i am of a Savior who sees past my black heart and devilish soul and wants to love and use me.

Abandonment has not been easy, but its been worth it, and will continue to be worth it. in abandoning our expectations, weve been blessed with a beautiful compound, where we each have a bed to sleep in, toilets, sinks, and two showers, and some beautiful women making us meals. in abandoning my right to a language i understand, i was incredibly blessed by conversation made with a woman and her child in the broken, limited spanish that i know. some small examples, but proof enough. i cant wait to see all the beauty that is continually made from our ashes.

im 19 years old, and just left behind everything ive ever know to follow my calling and go on a journey that consists of no certainties, no expectations, no knowns. To live out of a backpack, take a cold shower every few days, live in poverty, eat ugali, rice, beans and bananas, probably get lice and malaria, to sacrifice time i could be getting a college degree or hanging with my friends. i cant imagine living my life any other way.

abandonment. what does that look like for you?

im beginning to see what it looks like for me.

a little village, far from home, filled with dirt roads and stray dogs, a few miles away from a volcano, speaking a language i understand but can barely talk back. and in having nothing, ive gained everything. the first step in dependency on God is abandonment.

what does it look like for you?