This week has been one of extreme conviction for me.
Extreme.
I apologize if this is all over the place, and I’ll try and keep this short and actually use grammar.
I want you all to think about what I’ve been thinking about constantly. I mean, REALLY think about it. Wrack your brain over it.
What if you woke up tomorrow with only the things you’ve thanked God for today?
I’ve found myself in a state of brokenness this week; broken within myself. Feeling so unworthy, like there’s nothing in me I have to give anyone. Like I don’t want God enough, or feel Him enough. How I get so passionate about loving His people that I forget about His love and desire to glorify myself. Feeling attacked by satan, traumatized by things in my mind I can’t control. Feeling like I’ve been blessed with so much, so much I take for granted – I’ve been favored and chosen for such a time as this and I don’t always thank God for all of it or pray constantly. Sharing my testimony and looking back over my life and seeing how God has turned all the crap I put myself through, the times I was too weak to say no, the times I didn’t have the courage to hold to my morals, the times I completely turned my face away from His into something of pure beauty, and yet I get complacent and ashamed of the story He’s entrusted me. Lying on the cement ground at His feet in fetal position, tears pooling on the dirty ground begging for Him to let me hear His voice because I can’t distinguish it against the voices in my head.
And I find myself, in the realization of my brokenness, overwhelmed with thankfulness. Filled by grace and redemption. Praising God for things like crickets and contact solution and peanut butter, consistently feeling filled and encouraged and blessed by the girls in Hadassah and feeling the prayers of the people back home wrap around me like a warm wind. Not just thanking Him for the things in my life because I’m scared of waking up without them tomorrow, but feeling true thanksgiving. Hearing Him audibly say “just trust Me. You don’t have to know all the answers. Always hope. It’s you and Me. I’m going to be with you through everything. You are Mine. You are MY daughter. I made you; unique, broken, redeemed. How beautiful is My grace and redemption for you? How beautiful are you and the story I’ve given you? You are My daughter and that is ENOUGH reason for Me to bless you. Enough reason for anything.” There is so much beauty in weakness and vulnerability. So much room for Him to be strong. There’s so much to be thankful for even when it doesn’t seem like there is.
“We know, dear brothers and sisters, that God loves you and has chosen you to be His own people.” 1 Thessalonians 1:4 For this, I am especially thankful.
