There's been a concept on my heart a lot lately; and it seems to keep reappearing in random things among my life.
it's the idea that to fully follow Christ, you must divorce yourself. Divorce who you once were, the things you once sought after, the things you once dreamed of and desired for, you old habits and ways of treating people, etc etc. Completely detach your new self in Christ from your old self of sin.
this is a scary concept to most people, as people tend to not like change. at all. change is scary. different. not the same old thing you're used to.
but why? isn't what God has in store for us so incredibly much better than anything we can possibly imagine ourselves? why do we limit ourselves by not giving up everything over to Him?
this year has been a scary one for me, with a lot of unwelcome change. I lost my grandmother, and my best friend's mom, to cancer. i had my heart broken. my car totalled. it was unclear where God wanted me to go for college, and what He wanted me to do with my life.
looking back on not only who I was as a child (i thought i was going to be a writer, then i thought i was going to be a Marine Biologist, then i thought i was going to be a rock star), i question why i wanted what i wanted, and why i did the things i did. i HATE swimming, and biology, so why the heck did i want to be a Marine Biologist!? i lack the ability to sit still and do one thing for a long time, and i hate being alone and not crazy busy; so why did i want to be a writer?! a rock star….. that would rule. but God has bigger plans for me 😉
looking back on myself in the beginning of the year, i dont even recognize myself. Why did i waste so much time being upset over being broken up with? why did i stick it out so long in a dating relationship that made me unhappy? why didnt i earlier try and spend more time with people who love and care about me, like my family, and why did i limit myself to only college after high school? why did i limit myself to only certain colleges? these, among other questions, i tend to ask myself when i think about this concept of divorce.
through this, though, i have no regrets. everything thats happened in my life has brought me to where i am today. in my middle school years, i spent a lot of time wishing i was someone else. i now look at those people who i wanted to be, and i look at my life, and im happy with who i am, and where God is going to take me, and i wouldnt trade my life for theirs if i was given all the money in the world.
I'm glad i divorced this years previous Caitlinn. on a daily basis, i thank God for where I am now, and pray for Him to continually show me things i need to divorce from myself. because…. once i got past how scary change is, and accepted that my life is better in His Hands than mine, because He knows better and i tend to screw everything up, everything started falling into place. New dreams began coming true. Doors i never saw were opening in front of me.
letting go of idols in our life is hard, and it hurts, and it sucks, and its a struggle, but at the end of the day, once your view isn't obstructed by that sin anymore, you have a bigger, more clear picture of God. and you'll be happier than you ever were before, and you'll question why you even held that idol there in the first place. you'll question how you thought it was so beautiful, when the ultimate goal, your Savior, is so much more beautiful than that earthy thing you were blocking His face with.
ill never be perfect, thats for sure.
but i will never stop searching, seeking, reaching for something more. <3
