The longer I’m in the Philippines (which…. If you think about it, embarrassingly hasn’t been that long…) the more the Lord reveals to me in another embarrassing subject – the things that I fear.
It’s a seemingly uncharacteristic thing of me, Caitlinn Renee Curry, to have fear. To those who know me well – who am I? The fearless camp counselor who leads her girls through the thick of the woods in the middle of the night during Mission: Impossible and would die for them? The girl who fearlessly sings solos in Advanced Choir and A Capella that were meant for large black women? The fearless actress who gets up on stage, and even though she can’t dance, dances her heart out? The girl who fearlessly leaves the only place she’s ever known to travel the world simply because the Lord said ‘go’?
The funny thing is…. I’m not those things at all. Right now, I’m the girl who’s deathly afraid of medicine and being violently sick from it, but is even more afraid of the infection in her bladder, the creatures living in her intestines, and (from that) the blood coming out of her body, and has to work up the courage (with moral support from Yungcah and her team) to take her medicine three times a day. ((Brittany Elizabeth: I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, apologize for all the times I mocked you for your fear of throwing up. I completely understand now. I love you and miss you so much – know that I’m praying for you from across the world, and I carry a picture of us everywhere I go.)) I’m the girl who cowers behind someone else at the sight of a dog, because she’s deathly afraid of them, simply because one of her best friend’s dogs tried to attack her once, two years ago. I’m the girl who, while living in the empty house her team is remodeling as the new Jaz home, is afraid to walk to the next wing alone to go to the bathroom because she has an irrational fear of someone being in the house.
I said to one of my team members something along the lines of “this is pretty pathetic….” tonight, during the midst of one of my ‘this is something that could tragically and humorously only happen to Caitlinn Curry” instances (I tell them – bad things happen to me all the time, and I think they’re finally starting to believe me 😉 ) and she said “no, it’s not pathetic, it’s humbling” with a beautiful smile on her beautiful face.
She was right, you know.
I’ve been praying that God teaches me something through this miserable mess of a sickness I have, and He’s been faithful, like He always is. Humility, I’ve been learning. To step down. To, for the first time in my life, not be a fearless leader. To let myself be weak, so that He can be strong. And it’s scary – I’m a control freak, the insane one, the girl who’s not afraid of anything and will do anything, who doesn’t have fun doing anything unless I face death during it (thank you Jim Curry, for that gene. I miss you and love you, too – a lot. I found the letter you wrote me for my original flight randomly in my stuff the other day and cried my eyes out reading it, because I loved it so much and because God has been so good to me.)
I’ve realized it’s a beautiful thing to be fearful – that gives me even more of a reason to constantly need the Lord in my life. It makes me even more weak, and human, and desperate for Him to carry me. It gives me more of an understanding of compassion, and how independent I’m truly not.
And here’s another truly beautiful thing – that His perfect love casts out fear.
And, in His Name, I have nothing to be afraid of.
