You Won’t Relent

so, its my first week at camp, right?
and EVERYTHING is new. new staff, old staff in new positions, new ways of doing things.
for a kid who grew up at camp, everything always being exactly the same, its been rough. my cabin of Lovely Louhagin Ladies have been really mellow, and spiritually expressing nothing. their mellowness isnt necesarily a bad thing; im just not a very mellow person and i lack the understanding of how to act with them. im just praying that everything everyone has been telling them isnt going in one ear and out the other.

we opened up the week with two very important people in my life that i highly respect, love and look up to speaking at campfire. i was severely convicted and challenged by their words of wisdom; Jennie spoke on the passage in 1 Kings 19 where God tells Elijah to go out and stand on the side of the mountain and wait for Him to pass by, and a mighty windstorm passes, and earthquake strikes the ground, and a fire rages by. God does not present Himself to Elijah in any of these high and mighty ways, like one would expect Him to. He presents Himself in the form of "the sound of a gentle whisper." I was convicted of depending on the instances im in to determine my relationship with God. things like depending on camp and worship services to get me back to the place of passion with the Father. i realized i needed to step it up; i need to make the time to passionately worship God, and its no ones fault but my own if i dont get to that place. i need to feed the fire. Ben spoke next; talking about the passage in Revalation where God will spit the Lukewarm out of His mouth. It left a gaping hole of shame in my heart as i came to the realization that Ive been completely lukewarm, and that i havent been striving after God hard enough. The next day, Andy piggybacked off of this, saying theres a difference in the level of Lukewarm. there are the christians who are lukewarm in the sense that they are content with being lukewarm; that believe in God but do nothing to bring Him glory or endeepen the relationship. Then there are the other kind of lukewarm christians – the ones who are NOT content with the fact that thye are lukewarm, and keep trying and striving to not be lukewarm, but by human tendancy and destiny they are destined to fail.

On top of these things through the different speakers – Kristin, Andy; ive been realizing how disobedient i am to God. how unworthy i am of His mercy and greatness. how inadequate i am. How i constantly renail the Hands of a blameless and perfect God to a heinous cross, the hands of a God who created the Heavens and the earth and then KNELT DOWN on the ground to make a race out of dirt with those hands and breathe life into that race, just because He is loving and compassionate and good. I fail Him every single day. and He KNEW that i would. and yet; when He had the chance to say "im not going to do this" and walk out of the garden in Gethsemane, the thing that I wouldve done, He didnt. He stayed. He stayed and was FORSAKEN BY GOD for me. You know that feeling you get after you tell a lie? and you feel absolutely FILTHY and completely worthless? even though God is still loving you, and still with you, will forgive you, and will never leave you? thats one sin. one sin out of millions of that day, from just one person. i cant imagine not only bearing all MY OWN sins at one time, but the sins of EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON WHO EVER WAS IS AND WILL BE, and then having GOD TURN HIS BACK ON ME. i cant fathom the pain, and the seperation, and if God is everything good, and hell is seperate from God, then i cannot comprehend what its depths may entail.

He LOVES me. He loves me more than i could ever even begin to think about. Love: the RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF ANOTHERS WELL BEING. He LOVES me. Truly. something my human mind cannot comprehend. He will NEVER stop relentlessly pursuing after my heart until He has the whole thing. And why dont i give Him the whole thing? its all i have to offer to the being that i owe infinately more that i have to. i am NOTHING without Him. absolutely NOTHING. i am NOT a good person. at. all. in any way. and yet He still LOVES me and WANTS me. ALL OF ME. He wants to hold my wretched, filthy, dirty, disgusting, sinful, black heart in His Hands, the Hands that I drove nails through, the same Hands He dug me out of the dirt with, the same Hands i push away and spit in and curse. i am SO freaking undeserving of everything He has given to me, His love, His affections, His blessings. I deserve to rot eternally in hell for my transgressions. I am horrible. i am a wretched, nasty, fragile Jar of Clay, held together solely by the treasure of my Lord Jesus Christ. My Lord Jesus Christ who i DAILY deny. My Lord Jesus Christ who suffered the divine wrath of God for me, a burden that I shouldve suffered and was solely mine to bear.

We talked about how the isrealites melted down their jewelry into the golden calf, and my first thought was that i was ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS for them to have done that. How could anyone be so stupid as to melt down an inanimate object into a BIGGER inanimate object, and assume that the hideous thing they created with their own hands was a living god? and then it hit me. i do that ALL THE TIME. every single little thing i place above God; people, camp, school, food, fashion, pictures, make up, music, choir – those are all me taking my own 'jewelry' and 'melting it down' into something that ISNT GOING TO LAST, and idol, that im placing above the deity who literally LOVES ME TO DEATH, the deity i DAILY send to the cross with my infidelity.

it baffles me that God still loves me after all i put Him through, and all ill continue to put Him through. i am undeserving. and if i were Him…. i wouldve walked out of that garden. i wouldnt have been willing to take everyone elses sin onto my self. i would hate everyone for all the pain and suffering they CONTINUALLY AND CEASELESSLY put me though. but you know what? praise God that i am NOT God. because God has been merciful, and He has been good, and the very least i can do is lay down my life at His knees.

i encourage you to rethink every little aspect of your life.
if you are content, if you think you have reached and ok place to be, you are wrong. in every sense of the word. if you ever reach perfection, youre not trying hard enough. if you cant figure out where God went, or why you feel distant, its your fault. feed the flame. He never ever left you and He never ever will. what have you ever done to deserve that? He never lets go. ever. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is only ever good. He will never stop loving you. He will never stop pursuing you until He has your whole heart. He will not relent until He has it all. Would you be willing to lay down YOUR life for HIM?

the least you can do is lay your life down at His alter. to go out, and stop denying His name. Go, and do what your called, and go and MAKE DISCIPLES and PROCLAIM HIS NAME FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS. 40% of the world has never heard the gospel. you were given a job. a job to make sure that all the nations have heard of His great goodness. are you going to chose to accept your mission? what are YOU going to do to change that? we should be exploding with joy at His name and grace. we have so much potential to go out and change the world, if we just allow Him in. Allow Him to love us, and love Him back with everything we have, which is barely anything. But He still wants us. He wants us to love Him with every last scrap of our life.

i dont know about you… but im done talking about Him like He's not in the room.
I want to look right at Him, and sing right to Him.