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  1. You will be sweatier than you ever have been in your entire life, all day every day, there is no escape. You wear sweat like a full body tattoo.
  2. You will be dirty. Absolutely, terribly, awfully, filthy. Even after scrubbing in the cold shower for a half hour, guaranteed you are still going to have dirt streaked on your legs and down your arms. It’s unavoidable.
  3. You will get sunburn, and your sunburn get sunburned, and your sunburn will get so sunburned it will infected and ooze magical gifts of love and life at a constant rate.
  4. Your new name is Gringa. Gringa means ‘white girl.’ No matter how many times it’s repeated ‘mi nombre no es gringa, es Catalina!’ or whatever your name may be, your name will, inevitably, remain gringa.
  5. Not showering for 3-4 days at a time, and not shaving for 2 weeks is socially acceptable. Missionary kids reek, no if ands or buts. None of the women here shave anything anyway.
  6. You will ride everywhere in the back of a military truck, and you will get dirt in your eyes. If you are not smashed in the back of a military truck, you are smashed uncomfortably grinding other people on a school bus, or have your face pressed against the ceiling of a taxi because sitting on someone else’s lap, even in the front seat. In the midst of this, you will be going at least 70 miles an hour, probably standing up, and undoubtedly driving on the wrong side of the road. At times, you may almost fly out because of sudden stops and swerves to avoid cattle. There are basically no traffic laws, and there’s ALWAYS more room.
  7. If you are a girl, you are going to be whistled and stared at by an excessive amount of creepy men, no matter where you go. CREEPY men.
  8.  When you see a white person, you will smile and wave and probably attempt to speak English with them, and proceed make an idiot out of yourself or make a new best friend. Anyone who speaks English and isn’t part of your team is the light of God in a dark land.
  9. At all times, there will be at least 3 flies on your body, at least 3000 in the room, at least 7 sitting on the lip of your cup, at least 14 on the syrup cap, a million gnats and you will have at least 2 mosquito bites. You will get into bed to find moths lying on your pillow, and you will see brightly colored spiders. You stop noticing insects after awhile.
  10.  A scorpion in the shower will ALWAYS result in bloodcurdling screams and restless women. In times where they are seen, pretend you are a warrior princess and viciously attack the creatures with a plunger.
  11. When you wake up with a creature crawling on your body, you just keep your eyes shut and push it off, flick, or throw. You’ll be fine – it’s probably only a baseball glove sized rat or something else that’s really cute and friendly.
  12. Furry creatures and animals wandering your room at late hours of the night are expected and harmless. When there is a sighting of one, you simply acknowledge its presence, think nothing of it, ask it ‘cuanto cuesta?’ and go back to sleep.
  13.  Lizards often fall off the ceiling and splat onto the sink you’re using or onto the ground. Don’t worry, don’t be startled – they’re fine.
  14. You will never have a normal poop. There is nothing in between constipation and diarrhea. Also, a majority of the time there will be no toilet paper, so always go to the bathroom with the door open.
  15. You throw toilet paper away, not flush it.
  16. Horrible tan lines are a fashion statement. Boys like them.
  17. Everything smells like burning trash and men’s cologne; one grows to enjoy such fresh scents after a period of time.
  18. You must handwash all of your clothes, even if you have no idea what in the world you’re doing. This being said…. Sooner or later, two weeks of clothes will look like one sports bra, two shirts, a pair of shorts and 2 pairs of exoficio underwear.
  19. Rice, beans, and plantains cooked in every way imaginable will be served at every single meal. Hope you like carbs.
  20. A jar of peanut butter is manna directly from the hand of God.
  21. Everything is in bags. Coke, enchiladas, prescription pills, small animals – everything.
  22.  The volcano in your backyard exploding? No big deal.
  23. Someone throwing up is a weekly occurrence.
  24. There is no escape from the sweltering heat, you will choke on the humidity, and there’s no such thing as air conditioning, carpet or couches anymore.
  25. Chickens, horses and pigs are common house pets.
  26. Everywhere you step, there will be a dog. Probably malformed in some way.
  27.  You will hurry up and get ready only to sit around and wait.
  28. It will torrentially and violently monsoon at least once a day, and the power and water will probably go out, inevitably while you are in the middle of showering.
  29.  You will never be alone again. Ever. Alone consists of 1. Putting in your ipod and running in circles around the house. 2. Sitting in silence with someone else who is equally as annoyed at community living as you are. 3. Insomnia and sitting in your bunk quietly while everyone else is asleep a few feet away.
  30. Worship will be loud, off key, choppy and involve clapping in every song. And you will be asked to sing at every single place you arrive.
  31. Fun consists of intense games of mafia, making music videos of stupid things, talking about how much you hate the compound dogs, sharing way too much information with other people, going to the supermarket and sitting on chairs in the shower.
  32. You will cry at every skype conversation.
  33.  Simple things like people accidently eating one of your apples or someone using your shampoo without asking will make you desire to yell an unnecessary amount of expletives.
  34.  People will feel the need to yell about bras and other things you don’t care about at ungodly hours of the morning.
  35. Pancakes will be served every day for breakfast.
  36. When you walk somewhere, there will be crap on the ground. Be careful to watch every step….
  37.  Trash is to be thrown on the ground. Trash cans only exist ….. oh wait. They don’t.
  38.  If there are peppers growing in your backyard – DON’T EAT THEM. They have the heat level of an atom bomb and you will feel like you’re on the brink of death.
  39.  Slipping on banana peels actually happens in real life.
  40.  Women breast feed shamelessly. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look. There will be half nude mothers.
  41.  Small children WILL rip out your facial piercings.
  42.  Don’t worry; the church built out of sticks won’t fall down if it rains.
  43.  Everywhere you go, you WILL end up holding random people’s babies.
  44.  That 12 year old boy flirting with you? Yeah, he’s actually 20. That 50 year old man? Actually 25. Age literally does not exist.
  45. Protests block up the streets for days at a time, and you will not be able to leave, usually at the most inconvenient times, like during a technology fast. Hence, you and one of your closest friends will have a lot of time to sit in silence together, stare at walls, and contemplate your life. It’s truly a morally uplifting time.
  46.  When you go to church, each song is endless. This is not an understatement. The minimum length is 8 minutes. You will need to drink at least 4 cups of coffee before church if you expect to come out alive, and even then…. Alive doesn’t mean sane.
  47.  Oranges are actually green. Some things are just not worth asking about.
  48. If a strange, English speaking man offers you a ride in a REAL CAR —– YOU GO.
  49.  Water in bags hanging on the windows = fly repellant. And the dog is sleeping on the kitchen table where you’ll eat the next morning.
  50.  You will absolutely fall in love with the people here <3